Under Costruction.....

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Just like life building (rebuilding) a blog is a journey.... please stick with us as we make this blog better. Thanks y'all!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

{Take Action Thursday} When We Know Better

When you (I) know better, You (I) do better!
 
Ain't this the truth sista!



When I (we.....because I am dragging my family along, sometimes willingly, sometimes grudgingly and sometimes by sheer determination on m part....read this as...making the older kids down cod liver oil....fun!)

started this journey seeking real and nutritious food because we had almost lost one of our twins to severe anemia and failure to thrive I had no idea that I wasn't even scratching the surface.  I was following the dictates of the tv talk shows that said don't eat this and don't eat that....count your calories....avoid at at all cost, don't eat red meat, vaccinate your children, don't question government authority...on and on and on...

The more I have read and researched, the more I have learned that I have so much more to learn!

...and the more I have learned the more I have felt like I have to open my mouth and share.....

....which has led to some astonishing and sometimes sad and disappointing results.  But then maybe it shouldn't be a surprise....look how long it took for me to come around....this makes me sick and and sad that I didn't listen to some of those friends that were beyond wise when I was a young mom! Dang it!!

I have sometimes laid awake at night and prayed that my ignorance has not had irreparable damage to my youngins!  I ca only move forward ad teach them.....

hence....WHEN I KNOW BETTER, I DO BETTER!!!

....and now, in my true fashion, that sometimes drives the mister right up the wall..I have to throw my whole self into it and shout it from the rooftops....there is no sitting on the fence or gray areas for me....

...and much to the annoyance of some of my friends...I have to tell them...I have too...I CANNOT stop! I have to share with all those that do not yet know, that are still trusting that big brother to always tell them the truth.....

The Power of Information is what will always empower and set you free.  Click on this link to go and sign the petition insisting that the USDA release all data on the pesticides being used and to not cave to the pesticide companies.  Your babies and your babies' babies depend on you!

....and.....just one more.....Go here to email your congressman and tell them to allow all people the right to drink raw milk if they so choose!!!  Choice is what makes out country great!

Thank ya kindly!

and love yer healthy guts!

Monday, February 20, 2012

{Minute Monday} It Means.....

WOW!  A whole new week?!  I feel like I am still trying to catch up with three weeks ago.

But that is a good thing, right?? It means that I am happily and sometimes exhaustedly busy.

It means that I am learning something new and being engaged with life (okay...food) but also living in the moment and preparing for tomorrow as my hubs would say.

It means going to the local CalRanch store to hold the baby chickens with the mctwiners.....and for me to dream....aaahhhhhh

It means listening to classic country (yes sometimes 40 year old classics and beyond! Thank you Pandora!) while doing chores like laundry with homemade laundry soap and hydrogen peroxide (remember I have cloth diapers and two little potty trainers!) and wiping down everything with lemon vinegar and water (have you ever seen how many hand prints can come from 80 little fingers and a couple of mouth and nose prints! And if you read John Adams  they talk about disinfecting with apple cider vinegar!) making sour dough bread and beef brisket in the crockpot (that isn't turning out like I would like...so I threw it in the oven!)

It means reading fabulous post about how to give up and get off sugar...white sugar, brown sugar, blah, blah, blah...and then informing the mckiddos that we are going to make cookies with honey instead (thank heavens they turned out good enough to eat!) and a cousin that might be willing to experiment with me on how to make chocolate syrup without sugar.......(com'on I gotta start slow...some of the kids are dying with taking the cod liver oil vitamins!)  If you want to read a excellent blog post, go to the kitchen Steward. I heart her blog! So much good info, I don't need to write!!

It means making a weekly/monthly menu...and then knowing that I may not be in the mood for a particular food that day...so I switch it!....or really I forgot to defrost the chicken.

It means making home made beef stock to use for my soups...and I am so excited!!  One more thing to add to the I can do list!!  Which also leads me to be looking for grass fed beef that won't break the bank...but also keep us healthy!

It means lovin the grass fed raw milk that we drive an hour to purchase...but it is a great conversation starter!

It means having a daily conversation with the mckiddos and sometimes the hubs on why they can't have the chips, brightly colored easter candy that is already on the shelves...and that I still crave...as well as why I am not buying store bought condiments like ketchup, mayo and even miracle whip..that are all fermented for optimal health.

It means always looking forward to the dreams we have, but working to be as close as we can to those dreams today.

And because my kiddos love miracle whip/salad dressing better then mayo (because they haven't had a long time to get used to real mayo...but they are starting to like the fermented mayo) I am going to share the recipe that we liked!)

HOMEMADE Miracle Whip

2 eggs....room tempature
1 cup grapeseed, sunflower seed or olive oil (sometimes the olive oil is too strong)
2 tsp salt
2 tbsp sugar (I am going to try honey or maple syrup next time)
1 tbsp lemon juice
2 tbsp apple cider vinegar from the mother.....healthier!!!
1 tsp dry mustard
1 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 paprika
2 tbsp whey

I have an immersion blender so I just put it all in the mason jar that I am going to store it in and blend away.  If you don't have an immersion blender mix all of the above minus the oil.  Once blended, slowly...and I do mean slowly add in the oil until it emulsifies.  Let sit on the counter in a warmer spot (70 to 75 degrees) for a couple of hours to allow the start of the fermentation process and then store in the fridge.  YUM!!!

Can't wait to hear what yall think

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

{Take Action Thursday} A Day Early...or is it Really Too Late

I'm learning that it is not enough...just to wish to homestead.farm and be left alone...

Just as it used to be that it took a town to raise a barn....

It is now time for the tow to protect the barns.....

We must be aware of what is going on...and help where we can.  I am sure that most of you are even more aware then I....

But just as a reminder....

Government agencies are still exerting pressure on small farmers and demanding nothing from big factory farms.......

...and small dairy farmers like Dan Allgyer are being forced to close their operations.

...or small farm stands are forced to close their doors.

Say a prayer, donate to Farm to Consumer Legal Defense, or write your congressman......

By helping to protect your neighbor...even states away...your protecting yourself and your family and your right to homestead and eat as you believe is right.

Amen

Monday, February 13, 2012

{Minute Monday} Good, Better Best

Question: What happens when you may not be spending your time in the most appropriate manner and that you could possibly be more productive doing something else...but you don't want to admit it?

Answer: Your DSL line goes down and you are without the internet (blog) for five days and your eyes are too old to try and type it out on the old iphone.

{gasp}

But it was good, because I already knew I was not prioritizing the important things in life..and that was making life crazy as things were not getting done and that makes me uptight...even when it is my own fault  and the the kids get grumpy and then then the mister doesn't want to come home....(not really....he just works long hours and then has city government stuff and church stuff and then just stuff)...and then that makes me even more crazy cuz the load is getting a little tiring after a long day.....

So after a break from the computer (read...hedging up....I've learned that is what the good Lord does when I won't stop and listen...you would think I had learned by now......but that is another conversation.)

I am ready to put my best foot forward and remember Good, Better, Best.....

that my devotion to God comes first through studying the scriptures and pondering....

that my family and home then come and where a good majority of my time is and should be spent, followed by church obligations (and really they aren't obligations...I love doing them...or rather I am learning to love cub scouts!

Service and being of help is next......and then....

and then my blog, which often waits as I get lost in all of your blogs.  There are so many out there! They are so fantastic...I don't know why I blog!!  I am inspired every time I read one of your fabulous blogs!!!  Or I laugh out loud...for reals...as my teens would say. You all make me want to be a better mom, a better friend, a better homemaker ad a better person!

SO I need to remember that and not freak out over posting....do you do that or is it just me?  Oh good.....I am not alone...I hope....that wasn't just the voice i my head right??

So or Minute Monday...here are the things I learned


  1. Plenty of friends and neighbors will think you are crazy overboard with your Real Food obsessions....and they are probably right....80/20 has to work for right now to save your sanity.  80% eating right and the other 20% you will just try and make good choices and forgive yourself when it isn't a good choice.
  2. Cheap pizza from a local chain when wreak havoc on your system and leave you with a migraine because you tried to let loose and live the 20% rule....it reminds you that going hungry would have been better. But I really didn't have too...there was plenty of food in the house and that u didn't need to eat the crappy pizza your daughter requested for her and her friends....because the pain will still be lingering on Monday.  Ouch....
  3. 13/14 girls make me laugh as they sing with gusto to the radio, go gaga over boys and giggly squeal at the slightest hint o something funny.
  4. Teething sucks. nuf said.
  5. Kids will learn to appreciate home made ketchup...and even like it. I wonder if the hubs liked the home made mayo on his sandwich today..I didn't bother telling him....
  6. I love cloth diapers...really I do...especially gdiapers......even when she poops....you just have to remember this...

         and then order the little sprayer that hooks to your toilet.......can't wait!!!
          7.  That SweetLeaf Stevia is the real deal!  I started switching the family to Stevia after studying and reading about sugar substitutes. Don't be fooled, but the other marketed stevias....they are made mostly with alcohol/ethanol derivatives. My kids LOVED it on their homemade yogurt!!
         8. The more I learn...the more I don't know!!  But I know more then I did last week.
         9. That we are all human, that we love and loose, hope and wish and learn and grow  pretty much the same way.  As we welcomed two gentlemen from Pakistan and Afghanistan into our home for dinner and a cultural exchange, I always walk away with a replenished hope for the good in the world that exists and that eventually peace will reign as we talk and exchange ideas. (Especially that we Americans don't all live in humungous mansions like on MTV..I'll share more about these diners later..just don't let me forget)
        10. That I can be in more in LOVE with my best friend after nineteen years of marriage then I ever imagined when we first laid eyes on each other....or at least...I laid eyes on his...um...er....wrangler bum. (and it still looks good!)

And the long awaited recipe for
OPULENT CHICKEN
  • chicken tenders
  • ½ cup sour cream
  • 8 -10 ounces swiss cheese , sliced thin
  • ½ cup melted butter
  • 3 (10 ½ ounce) cans cream of chicken soup
  • 1 tablespoon lemon juice
  • 2 cups Ritz cracker crumbs
    Clean and skin breast and place in bottom of 9X13 dish, cover completely with sliced/grated  cheese. Mix together soup, sour cream and lemon juice and pour over top of chicken covering completely.Mix cracker crumbs with butter and sprinkle over the top of sauce. Bake at 275 degrees for 2 1/2 hours. Now this is the original recipe...and it is GOOD...but it has canned soup in it.....what to do what to do...since I don't even have caned soup in the house.  I just up the sour cream (mine was homemade, but all natural from the store will work just fine) to four cups, mix with homemade chicken stock, salt, white pepper and onion powder to taste. 
    AND PLEASE  don't mess up the cooking time like I do (twice now...it hasn't been pretty!)....you cannot be on a rush to do this...you just can't...slow cooking at a low temperature will make this your favorite dish! But if you do mess it up like I have...twice now...maybe even three times, I just don't want to admit it....I just remove the chicken from the pan and pour the juices into the "white sauce" that I have made, stir and gently lay back over your naked chicken. 
    Side note: [Dear friend that I got this recipe from...please forgive me with messing with it....it is a wonderful recipe....you know how I am though...slightly psychotic about  what is in processed food. Maybe one day they will make a soup I can feel good about, till then I just won't tell you how I desecrate your recipe.I love you always!]
    When I have cooked the chicken at too high a temperature.....the sour cream has cooked down to a liquid...still okay to eat...(unless your husband sees it and proceeds to ask/tell you what is wrong with the chicken....depending on which side of the conversation you are on...anyways....) but none of the creamy heavenliness that your want to pour over your rice...hence the white sauce.....and let me tell you white sauce is our friend......It saves me many a time.

    You can find the basics of White Sauce here.

    Most of all...don't be afraid to learn and try new things...and if you mess up.....fix it...and don't tell anyone...or throw it away and don't tell anyone. Either way you tried something new......and that's what counts!

    Love yer guts









Monday, February 6, 2012

{Minute Monday} Oatmeal Breakfast Bars and Cows

Today is my third child's birthday...she is 14....and I can't believe (I know...I know...everyone says that...and please don't pay attention to the mess behind her!) that any of my babies are growing up...if I could squish them little I would, but then I would miss out on the wonderful young adults that they are becoming.

They're amazingly quick witted and come back with hilariously funny quips...that they get from their dad...bless their little hearts....I try I try...but I am seriously lacking in the funny bone business.

I have had to learn to try and be funny.....I was born serious...poor kids.

But with that being said, at least I know I can cook.....and have babies!! Which goes well when they have a birthday and want something special to eat.

Opulent Chicken is on the menu...I'll share recipe tomorrow...if the original owner gives permission...it's a ancient chinese secret ya know...did I just age myself?? remember calgon?...seriously though...she doesn't share this recipe with anyone unless they are super special....which ya all, I'm sure.

I had to learn to do that too.....cook that is....after I got married and fed my husband tuna casserole every other day...because it was all I knew how to make....for reals.....poor hubby....

So along with that and making homemade Raspberry Oatmeal breakfast bars, thank you Ree, of The Pioneer Woman, for breakfast on the go...because my teenagers would rather look presentable then eat...

....and we all know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day (along with a protein filled lunch and dinner)....especially for my little twigs that I call daughters....

I will be running up (ok, ok... it's an hour away) for raw milk...yep that's right folks, we found grass fed, raw milk free of hormones and antibiotics..... in our little ole state!  I'll be getting it here! You know I am going to be making yogurt, sour cream and butter along with drinking it!!  And I am happy to announce that as I have been making the transition, and buying a less processed whole milk from a local farm down south that sells through our local grocery, one of my girls told me that this milk is so much better then the regular store milk...GO US!

I can't wait to have her try raw milk...so much sweeter! And Healthier!

Our BIG announcement comes in the form of a mini.......a mini jersey cow!!  So excited!! And I will be turning to ya'll because....visiting the farm and actually owning the farm.... are two different things..though the hubs must remember most things from his childhood on the ranch.

We have been on the waiting list, thinking that it would be a couple of years....but they emailed and let us know that we would have one in SEPTEMBER if all goes well!  That means we have got to get busy and find us a place, sooner, rather then later...prayers, happy thoughts and luck would be greatly appreciated, as we look in our little growing up town that is consuming farm land.

With her,  we are hoping to add chickens and a nice big garden or two....a lamb or three.....and a buckin bull, according to #5 so he can practice like his dad, brother, uncle and cousins...maybe this is our year....could it be our year...I hope it is our year....this has been slow in the making!  Slower then I would like, but as the good book says, there is a season to all things.

And since I can't go gather the eggs just outside my door, but rather I have to go to a town a couple over  to get fresh pastured eggs....I better get busy!

Since I made laundry soap last week, my goal this week is to make deodorant....that's right folks...deodorant. If you have recipes that have worked the best...please share!

And will someone please send me a cure to keep the Cod Liver oil from coming back to say hello in the morning....good grief!

With that note.....I'll say...chow......


Fresh Oatmeal Breakfast Bars

Adapted from The Pioneer Woman
  • 1 3/4 sticks salted butter, cut into pieces, plus more for greasing pan
  • 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
  • 1 1/2 cup oats
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • One cup homemade fruit preserves/jam (I used less preserves then the original recipe called for and I used raspberry this morning...delish!)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a 9-by-13-inch rectangular pan.

Mix together the butter, flour, oats, brown sugar, baking powder and salt. Press half the oat mixture into the prepared pan. Spread with the preserves. Sprinkle the other half of the oat mixture over the top and pat lightly. Bake until light brown, 30 to 40 minutes. Cut while still warm, but let cool down in the pan. Let cool and then remove and wrap individually...so the kiddos can grab them on their way out the door!

Love yer healthy, real food lovin guts. (and yes...I'll soak the flour next time!)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Day of Rest

The Sabbath is my favorite day of the week...

I love the quietness ( as quiet as you can get with 8 kids and two dogs) that Sunday brings to our house as we detox from everyday TV, radio, Ipods, computers, playstations and the Wii (not that I really let my kids play them....they think I am ultra strict on them...I just feel like they are a waste of time), facebook, texting and emails...we just turn them of and enjoy each other....

yes, that was laughter, sometimes it is hard to enjoy each other, but in our little town home....you can't get very far from each other.....so we have to enjoy each other!

We do listen to hymns before church services and then listen to classical piano and instrumental after.

and YES, my kids do get up in arms about it occasionally, but one day...hopefully they will understand the whys and will then not only be able to, but want to tune out the world on the Sabbath and let the Spirit of the day be strengthening and rejuvenating for the rest of the hustle and bustle of the week.

I only prepare one meal that day and as we sit around the table discussing what they learned in Sunday School, we are fortifying the bond we have to each other.....

Even if it is sometimes a very loud and obnoxious brotherly sisterly arguing bond......but never the less it is a bond! A bond where each of our children learn that they are loved no matter what ad that we can openly discuss that which they are faced with, whether it be dating, school, peer pressure or even politics....it is where we as their parents have their undivided attention to teach them the pearls of God.

The day of Rest and the Living Water always feels my soul.



I hope y'all have a peaceful Sabbath....

Friday, February 3, 2012

Only funny to me?

This is hysterically funny.....or maybe it is only funny to me.....but it made me laugh none the less. 

Laughing at ourselves is sometimes the only way to get through the day, as we try and explain to others (including my yet to be all on board husband!) about our choices, and then share the knowledge that we feel so passionate about o;y to be met with disbelief, blank stares and sometimes ignorant well meaning comments...and some not so well meaning.

At the end of the day, what mattes is that you are confident with the decisions and choices you have made for your family and let the rest roll off your shoulders....or at least repeat that mantra several times as you slowly breathe in and out!




And for nursing mamas...these pointers will especially make you laugh! It even had the hubs going......



Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.
Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.

Happy Friday! 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

{Take Action Thursday} Stop The Insanity!

I will keep this post nice and short, so that you can read about

Monsanto's attorney and lobbyist appointed to the FDA's Food Safety Czar position

by President Obama and then sign this petition asking that Micheal Taylor be removed.

If you are unfamiliar with Micheal Taylor, like I was this is a good article at the Huffington Post that gives a run down of how a man, Micheal Taylor, tried to hide the risks and dangers of GMO food and growth hormones in milk from everyday people like you and me. A man who may be responsible for more food borne illness and death then anyone in history. Making this story even worse is the fact that  today Mr Taylor continues armed raids against raw milk.... like the Amish farmer that was simply selling raw milk to consumers seeking him out..... yet allows the man that oversaw the selling of over 500 million salmonella tainted eggs sold to an unsuspecting public to about with no fear of arrest or fines.

This stinks of the highest degree of politics as usual with big agri-business pulling the puppet strings and the public audience expected to laugh on cue and go about their business as if nothing is amiss.

Please TAKE ACTION, make your voice count!

Stop the Insanity!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Because I can't.....I Made Ketchup.....

Because I can't farm/homestead/garden/ranch/urban farm......I made ketchup......mustard...with whey, I might add. I know there sounds like there is no connection, but there is I promise, or don't promise...because you may not connect the dots like I do, as in skipping some, erasing and ignoring other dots and use only the dots I want, or really, in my case...the only dots I have.....and what seems the only dots the Lord is providing me with.

I made ketchup because I read a fabulous recipe AND because I had wanted to make a batch since bottling season before last....from scratch, but it ever happened.  I figured that if and when the time I came I should have enough tomatoes on hand, so I just bottle a majority of the tomatoes and make quite a few batches of salsa....in several flavors (which we have already gone through the picante sauce and we are all mopey about it, it's going to be a long wait until September again!)

But this morning I deemed to be the right morning...that and I didn't want to get out of my lay around clothes, so they worked together. You won't be surprised about how easy either one is to make...it's basically stir, sit and serve.

I had already been on a mission to eradicate HFCS from our diets, and their are a few brands out there with no HFCS....but they still have corn syrup and natural flavorings, which means they still have GMO corn and MSG in them, along with other sugars and preservatives. So as I perused the internet (because I have nothing else better to do!)  I was reminded of the Nourishing Traditions cookbook (where I should have gone first!)  and of this post from Whole Intentions Blog and wahlaa.....a recipe that sounded like my family would eat it, because no matter how much I tell them it is good for them...they won't eat it if they don't like it and would rather eat the crap stuff from the stores.

And while the following is important to me....the kids could care less right now...but someday they will, I know they will!

You can read more of the history of Ketchup here if you wish, but the basics are that it USED to be a fermented condiment from China that was a beneficial digestive aid because of the fermentation. But sadly not any more, if you don't look really, really hard...you're only going to get sugar and probably corn sugar at that along with corn syrup.....

....which, according to all the commercials being ran by the big agri corn growers is the same as sugar!  NOT! My blood boils every time I hear this commercial and I start talking back to the TV, and then my husband gets to roll his eyes. But seriously...follow the money...of course they are going to run commercials convincing everyone that they are your neighbors next door ad that they know better then your body, blah, blah, blah....I still have a lot to learn  about going back to traditional food, but I DO know that corn sugar from GM corn IS NOT the same thing as sugar....

okay...tryin to breathe hear...stupid big companies that want us all to be stupid idiots and just like what they tell us to like...reminds me of a book.....

Anyways, when you make ketchup or mustard with lactic acid as a preservative and not sugar your body will thank you....and guess what? It's cheaper on the pocket book! Double score!

Lacto-Fermented Ketchup

24 oz tomato paste, preferably from your own stock, but if not, from a glass bottle and even better organic
1/4 cup whey (I used yogurt whey, by placing the whole fat yogurt in a strainer over a bowl letting the liquid collect for several hours)
1 tablespoon sea salt (Redmond's Real Salt is what I use, made in my back yard (well not literally but close enough! It's in the same state)
1/2 cup maple syrup (YES, the real stuff, grade B is best!)
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
3 cloves garlic, peeled and mashed
1/2 cup fish sauce (one day I WILL make my own!)

Mix all the ingredients together until well blended, then placing in a quart size jar one inch below the top of the jar.  Leave at room temperature for two days before storing in the fridge.

Three of the kids helping, then licked the spoon and bowl when we were done...it is pretty good! And my dad will get a good kick out of this as he likes to tell them storied of when I was younger and liked to put ketchup on everything, including my mush (but that was so I didn't have to eat it I bet)...but maybe I knew something back then.....he said I obtained my habit in Japan when we lived there for a year.....it was probably fermented!

Nourishing Traditions has a great recipe for mustard too!!!


And if you are still here and still wondering how farming and ketchup go together? Because yet again it seems that we have been "hedged up" (scripture speak for - the Lord wants you to bid your time and have patience...at least this is my interpretation!) as houses come and go...and they don't want to rent to a family of ten....and I totally get that...I do! But until a miracle happens and the economy picks up, we cannot sell  our townhome. So the connection? You ask? I have to feel like I am trying to homestead....so I bake, bottle, cook, clean or do something remotely like homesteading...until I can. It makes me feel better.....for a minute and regroup my patience.



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