40...and counting

Today was my FORTIETH birthday. Two weeks ago I was bawling, and a week ago I was crying and even last night a few tears were shed.....FORTY was hitting me harder then I thought it would, but it was.  Before facing  this momentous occasion, I thought it would be no big deal and even thought those that had a midlife crisis were being...well...a bit illogical...and then it happened to me....and I couldn't explain it.......only the fallen tears and an patient husband could understand.  But today, today has been a good day, no a great day because of my family, and my friends, and Facebook and of course food, but also because I remembered where I was a year ago. And any birthday will be better then my 39th.

Last year, on my birthday at 12:20 pm, I miscarried the twin of our little #8 mcnugget.  Not knowing that we were carrying twins, I was devastated at the thought of loosing a baby that we had only known we were carrying for five days, 120 hours. For those 120 hours my husband and I had been letting it sink in that we had a surprise coming to us (a big surprise, since we had been using a birth control with less then a 1% failure rate, and no it wasn't the pill.)

And yet, in those 120 hours I had grown so connected to this little one that I was heartsick and saddened beyond words to be loosing this life because ten days earlier I had lain in bed with puking 17 month old twins and nauseous myself had a conversation with the Lord telling him that I must be crazy to think of ever getting pregnant again...not realizing that I already was. This conversation played over and over in my head as I waited in the doctors office, and again as I lay down for a sonogram...I couldn't even look,  didn't want to see the empty screen.

And the I heard it, and I heard it in the doctors voice and I turned and looked at the screen....and there on the monitor was a little squirming gummibear, with a heartbeat as strong as ever, and I gulped and big sobs rolled out as I laughed and cried all at once, and couldn't breathe feeling tremendously thankful to see this little bean dancing and yet see the empty sac next to him (which would ultimately be a her and not a him). We were mourning a little baby we had yet to know, but joyful that we could welcome another little mckidlet to our clan.

It would still be weeks before we were certain that this little baby would stay with us, but the overwhelming gratitude of tender mercies would buoy us up. So the beginning of this 40th year I have nothing to cry over, my lost years, my unfulfilled dreams, my incomplete bucket list.......is nothing compared to the loss I felt that day. And today at 40 I have 1 amazingly patient husband and 8 incredible kiddos, and one little angel that we believe is still our baby and although I still mourn the loss of one, I am blessed beyond describable words and the other lists I have written down in my head are just that...just lists.

But because I am a list maker.....I'll put my bucket list in ink...and share it, because when we...and I mean me.... put it in ink it becomes tangible and achievable...and the world wide web can keep me honest i my pursuit.

And because this was a good reminder...I will share this conference talk with you...it puts everything into perspective. These babies, that grow into children and then sometimes into sassy teenagers....are children of our Heavenly Father first, and ours second..and this is the best gift I will ever get....

well except for the humongous crock pot, a floor steam cleaner, Dansko shoes...that my husband will now call my orthopedic old lady shoes.....though they are totally cute....coconut balsamic vinegar and cilantro and onion olive oil...could I ask for more..(well yes...you know...the farm an' all)

.....and you know I couldn't be too serious for too long, afterall Marjorie Hinckley said she would rather laugh then cry, because crying gives you a headache.

Sistas.....I love ya and so does the Lord.....let's remember the smallest of our tender mercies...because although I do mourn the loss of one of my babies, I think that the Lord watched over me...for some days the thought of four babies under two would have me crazy...but it would have been fun trying!

I'm Done

I'm done......

that's what i said over my shoulder  to my husband (and family)as I walked up the stairs....

I was done with sassy teenagers, a weekend cluttered house, walking puppies that I was guaranteed would never be my responsibility (um, yeah, the dogs have been here a week), making dinner only to hear "did you think  would like that?", potty training twins, housebreaking puppies, picking up socks, sorting laundry, waiting for poop to happen, stretching the budget, find healthy snacks, clean windows, get dressed,  live in a warm and comfortable but oh so small house...and on and on


...and I was done....at least for a few minutes....

baby and I took a breather....actually I breathed while she gobbled and gnawed her way through her fifth helpings of milk in a two hour span. and then my hubs came up...and long story short, eventually he made me laugh and all was alright with the world in our warm and comfortable but oh so small house.

 Do you ever have those moments when you ell like you have given it your all...and now you just a nap because nothing else has worked out?  No, just me?  Well good......but if you have, I hope you have a someone that knows how to make you laugh at the world and know that it isn't the end.....yet.


{pause while I go help a twin that just did the deed in her big girl panties.....eeeeewwwwww}
But I do know....that something had to change...whether it was just my attitude or my expectations, which are are way too high (ask anyone that knows me well.) So after some thought and most likely inspiration, I decided that I need to get dinner ready/prepared/completed before the kiddos come home at 3.....after that all he.....well you know...breaks loose.

This is when I am in the car the most, when the mickiddos need to be somewhere or picked up from somewhere, when I am shouting orders for chores, homework, music practice and generally referring....it aint pretty sometimes, I admit it. It's a roller coaster that can sometimes have you holding your guts from laughing so hard or pulling out your hair with frustration....and sometimes, like I said, your done and you need to get off.

{pause...I have to take "it won't ever be your responsibility" puppies out for a potty break }

{Sigh}So that's my goal for this week...and we'll see after the next if I can get dinner ready for the most part before the bulk of my clan comes home. Hopefully it will make for a smoother transition into evening and a quieter dinner because everyone is not on edge because their madre (me) isn't yelling, biting her tongue or banging pans in frustration.

{pause...have to peel an orange for mctwin #!}

So in between typing this, asking if two two year olds need to go potty, tell a puppy no and keep an ear trained to hear the baby cry (all while I forgot my kindergartner was getting out of school and needed to be met at the bus...another sigh) I am getting dinner ready.....stuffed green peppers. Which was requested by mcpunk #4...I don't even know if she likes them?!  But we shall see, and I should be calmer when she tells me that she doesn't like them....because I prepared them hours ago!

wold love, love, love to hear from y'all on how you make life less hectic and smoother around those bumpy corners!!

And because you know that I have to, have to, have to include a recipe here.....(afterall...the kitchen is the heart of the home/farm)

{long interruption while I took a picture of the twins doing this......

.....And a really long pause to make lunch, nurse my little barnacle, finish dinner, talk on the phone, laugh with  friend...and start a batch of french bread.....which is an experiment on making a light but hearty multiple grain bread...we will see how it turns out...

We return you back to our previously recorded program....

For that recipe.....I will leave you with a scrumpitalious pumpkin cupcake with cheese cream frosting...and it has whole wheat flour in it!!  Go figure...but then I love what bread, but the real kicker was that the kids loved them and they were an excellent hurry up and go breakfast in the morning!! Even the hubs liked them...I think...he was probably starving, so he had to like them!

Cupcakes:
1-1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup (1-1/2 sticks) unsalted butter,
softened
3 large eggs
1 can (15 ounces) or 1-3/4 cups
pumpkin purée
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2-1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup buttermilk
Frosting:
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter,
softened
3 cups confectioner’s sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F. Line 2 muffin
pans with paper baking cups and set aside.
Place the sugar and butter in the bowl of an electric mixer and beat until smooth. Add
the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. On low speed, add the
pumpkin purée and vanilla.
In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, cinnamon, ginger, baking powder, salt,
allspice, and baking soda. Add the flour mixture to the batter on low speed, alternating
with the buttermilk; blend completely.
Fill each muffin cup with about 1/3 cup of batter, or about three-quarters full. (You may
end up with a little extra batter.) Bake until the cupcakes are set in the middle, and a
skewer inserted into the center of the cupcakes comes out clean, 20 to 25 minutes.
Remove the muffin pans from the oven and let the cupcakes cool for 15 minutes, then
turn them out of the pan to finish cooling on a wire rack.
To make the frosting, combine the cream cheese and butter in a medium-size bowl and
beat until smooth. Gradually add the confectioner’s sugar, beating until smooth and
creamy. Stir in the cinnamon and vanilla.
When the cupcakes are completely cool, decorate them with the cinnamon frosting.
Sprinkle with sanding sugar or decorate if you are bored. HA!. The cupcakes can be refrigerated, covered, for up to 3 days.

crazy corn dogs

In the last 15 hours I have heard.....

are you crazy? do YOU need your head examined?  Glad it is you and not me! SUCKER! do you know what you are doing? Really?! Aren't three babies under two enough for you?  WTH? and a few more choice ones....

Is your interest piqued? Why you ask are they looking at me like I have two heads? have i really gone crazy?

Well yes, crazy runs in my family, so far i have been able to control it with chocolate and blame the rest on eight bambinos, but no more, i have clearly crossed the line in  few peoples eyes......

we added two little four footed friends to our already chaotic world....




two little two pound rat terriers...

they look like this...though this one isn't it....and we have two of them...Halle and Boo.

Since they came home with us on Halloween. At this very moment the twins are in the kennel with the puppies, this is a good thing...maybe the puppies will potty train the twins....here's hopin!

My husband clearly feels I have lost all good sense, but I for one am done waiting....

waiting for life to begin when we have a farm/house/land...blah, blah, blah.....


maybe this is only my problem, i hold this dream out there and all will be well and good and wonderful when we have met that goal.  meanwhile life goes on and I do not enjoy it to the fullest....

no more...well at least for this week, we/i will seize the day and make the most out of it...with what I have...not what I am waiting for....

and with that being said, i will leave you with Ree, the Pioneer Woman's corn dogs and cheese on a stick.....they were in celebration of two new puppies, halloween and because lets face it i was being lazy, so don't judge me on the pancake mix part...I know it is processed...but it was one of those days...and they tasted so good!!!!

so pray for me. love yer guts,
crazy mama