Today was my FORTIETH birthday. Two weeks ago I was bawling, and a week ago I was crying and even last night a few tears were shed.....FORTY was hitting me harder then I thought it would, but it was. Before facing this momentous occasion, I thought it would be no big deal and even thought those that had a midlife crisis were being...well...a bit illogical...and then it happened to me....and I couldn't explain it.......only the fallen tears and an patient husband could understand. But today, today has been a good day, no a great day because of my family, and my friends, and Facebook and of course food, but also because I remembered where I was a year ago. And any birthday will be better then my 39th.
Last year, on my birthday at 12:20 pm, I miscarried the twin of our little #8 mcnugget. Not knowing that we were carrying twins, I was devastated at the thought of loosing a baby that we had only known we were carrying for five days, 120 hours. For those 120 hours my husband and I had been letting it sink in that we had a surprise coming to us (a big surprise, since we had been using a birth control with less then a 1% failure rate, and no it wasn't the pill.)
And yet, in those 120 hours I had grown so connected to this little one that I was heartsick and saddened beyond words to be loosing this life because ten days earlier I had lain in bed with puking 17 month old twins and nauseous myself had a conversation with the Lord telling him that I must be crazy to think of ever getting pregnant again...not realizing that I already was. This conversation played over and over in my head as I waited in the doctors office, and again as I lay down for a sonogram...I couldn't even look, didn't want to see the empty screen.
And the I heard it, and I heard it in the doctors voice and I turned and looked at the screen....and there on the monitor was a little squirming gummibear, with a heartbeat as strong as ever, and I gulped and big sobs rolled out as I laughed and cried all at once, and couldn't breathe feeling tremendously thankful to see this little bean dancing and yet see the empty sac next to him (which would ultimately be a her and not a him). We were mourning a little baby we had yet to know, but joyful that we could welcome another little mckidlet to our clan.
It would still be weeks before we were certain that this little baby would stay with us, but the overwhelming gratitude of tender mercies would buoy us up. So the beginning of this 40th year I have nothing to cry over, my lost years, my unfulfilled dreams, my incomplete bucket list.......is nothing compared to the loss I felt that day. And today at 40 I have 1 amazingly patient husband and 8 incredible kiddos, and one little angel that we believe is still our baby and although I still mourn the loss of one, I am blessed beyond describable words and the other lists I have written down in my head are just that...just lists.
But because I am a list maker.....I'll put my bucket list in ink...and share it, because when we...and I mean me.... put it in ink it becomes tangible and achievable...and the world wide web can keep me honest i my pursuit.
And because this was a good reminder...I will share this conference talk with you...it puts everything into perspective. These babies, that grow into children and then sometimes into sassy teenagers....are children of our Heavenly Father first, and ours second..and this is the best gift I will ever get....
well except for the humongous crock pot, a floor steam cleaner, Dansko shoes...that my husband will now call my orthopedic old lady shoes.....though they are totally cute....coconut balsamic vinegar and cilantro and onion olive oil...could I ask for more..(well yes...you know...the farm an' all)
.....and you know I couldn't be too serious for too long, afterall Marjorie Hinckley said she would rather laugh then cry, because crying gives you a headache.
Sistas.....I love ya and so does the Lord.....let's remember the smallest of our tender mercies...because although I do mourn the loss of one of my babies, I think that the Lord watched over me...for some days the thought of four babies under two would have me crazy...but it would have been fun trying!
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