Desires in a Nutshell

Yesterday was one of those thinking days, it didn't start out that way, it started out as I have to get all this stuff done so that I could could blog about how I was going to save the world with the groundbeaking words I wrote..

I don't believe that either....

but still I was going to write something so I was poking about on other blogs, and I found an amazing blog...and I liked what she said and how she said it....

she said it better then I do.....and she gets to actually farm, or as she says homestead.....which is a perfect description of what I want to do...and she is beautiful.

You can read her blog, http://www.theprairiehomestead.com/our-homestead, I plan on making it a regular habit.

Either way, I felt myself near tears and frustrated with what I had or didn't have depending on how you look at it...and wondering why....

I've wondered why for many years.....

I have listened to many complain about living in a small town (either when we go back for the small town old fashioned fourth of July celebration, or over the internet thanks to modern technology.).... when my family and  would give our eye teeth to be back.

I have heard many complain about the pains of being  a homeowner and aren't we just glad that we don't have to bother with that (we are homeowners...just of a town home.)

I have taken it to the Lord and repetitiously asked for a way to sell our town home and live a simple "homestead" life......and  I am still here asking the same questions....


I don't have answers but I do know that thankfully the Lord is patient with my lack of faith and failing eyesight to see the bigger picture that he must have for our family.

This is more then apparent as in Sunday School we studied in church Lehi taking his family into the dessert at the command of God. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 2) I have read these chapters many times, but never had it hit me before that Lehi had had to be prepared to just pick up and go into the wilderness with his family with little preparation time. First, he didn't question God, he just did it, so he knew by the Spirit that it was the right thing to do, second, he was already prepared. This must have meant a lifetime of doing what he was doing, unbeknownst to himself. When I put myself into his shoes, he must have thought that was just the way his life was and that he accepted it, going along and learning and training for what would be in his future, but he had no idea what was in his future. He just put his trust in God, that He knew best and that all would be well. When the time came and he was called...Lehi was ready...and he went.

Now for me, I need to be the same, I must have faith that my family of ten living in a town home and not the farm I want has its reasons. (and yes I fully realize, almost daily, that more then half, probably more then 80 percent of the world would give their eye teeth for my heated, air conditioned, installed clean running water, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath, swimming pool containing, maintenance free landscaping in the middle of the a great state that has skiing, hiking, hunting, fishing just to name a few things just minutes away, smack dab in the middle of a democracy loving republic.) Reasons that seem to be beyond my comprehension (or lack of it).  I must believe somewhere, somehow that the Lord has a plan for our family, one in which being where we are is the right thing.

And with that being said, I must be patient and go about m life and be prepared for....whatever comes along...

how do I prepare for that which I do not know will happen?

Good queston?

I think for me that I make Christ the priority in my life that I pray and listen for guidance and then act. I've known this, but it seemed to feel it with more clarity yesterday after reading the Prairie Homestead and then talking to my sister (who always buoys me up!) that all  can do or now is to not only dream of my little farm, but be prepared for it when (and if) it comes; and even though I felt like never blogging again after reading about such amazing women ...I can blog...I can....about how I do it...

how I keep sane with 8 kids and 2 dogs, trying to "homestead" in my little town home...and what  and how we do what we do....and really who said I was sane?

I hope that you will stay with me for the journey, I hope that many of you will send ideas and comments and thoughts on how to do it better...or just read to see if it really happens......I hope that you will help me keep it real and just blog about what I know and how I reconcile my desires and dreams with my reality.

It's alot to ask...but there it is.....

my sister said don't quit.....so I won't....since she is amazing...and I look up to her...

And there you have it, yesterday's momentary pity party in a nutshell.......

and since we are talking about nuts...the crazy kind that is..not the male form....

I will put this simple recipe out there...simple s always good, but just because it is simple doesn't mean it has to be plain. No way, I am all about good food from around the world...different recipes and such that it sometimes drives my man insane...see a theme here.......

nuts....and healthy.... and REAL food. Period.


Thai Peanut Noodles (in less then 15 minutes ad for pennies)

4 servings, double, triple as necessary if you are like my family

8 oz of thin spaghetti, prepared according to package

Reserving 1/2 cp of the pasta cooking liquid, mix with

5 T organic peanut butter
3 T rice wine vinegar
1 T soy sauce
1/2 cup green onions.

Add to pasta, tossing to combine and topping with slivered scallion greens.
I also added a handful of peanuts, if you want to make it a meal instead of a side, just add chicken and sauted veggies.

signed,

A nut just trying not to crack....

Perplexing Ponderings

The hubs, my hubs...says that I think too much. Often telling me hush during movies, quite guessing the endings, don't jump to conclusions with the book, take it with a grain of salt..........but I don't, I can't. Like most women I know, I over analyze EVERYTHING! On one hand this makes me very good at reading between the lines, because I am watching, listening, feeling, tasting (just kidding) what goes around me so that I can lay in bed at night and ponder over everything that happened; why I didn't say this, why I should have said that, why did she do that, should I have done this, did I have something in my teeth, did my child really have to pick her nose at that moment ......and eat it, am I a good mom, am I my mother, do my kids know how much I love them, was dinner nutritionally sound, why did I eat those nuggets, how many more diapers will my almost 3 year olds poop.....get the picture? And I know it goes on in my sleep as my mister had told me that I have conversations with him at night.....and sometimes I can remember every vivid detail of a dream that has me wondering in the morning what I need to change that day to get me back on track.....

...on track...that's a whole other issue...

Thinking can get me in trouble, because I often I say what I am thinking...not always good....but I am learning...you would be surprised about how much I have learned not to say.

But often thinking can lead to good things...such as new year resolutions....or over thinking, whatever you want to all it. This year has been nothing knew.

I have pondered my regrets and list of things that I failed to get done, get through or ignored, depending on how you look at it and I have now been pondering what I want to do with this spankin brand new year. Here is my list

1. Throw out what we don't use.
2. Fit back into the clothes that are piled into a bin that you wore more then six years ago...the bin is taking up room in my closet, but
3. Be happy in my skin, don't worry about the  tire hanging around my middle, until resolution #2 is met.
4. Finish a half marathon, just t say I did so that I can fit in with the crowd.
5. potty train the 7 month old since I am potty training twins
6. See my oldest graduate and not be a blubbering mess as he heads into the world....without me...
7. Watch my oldest daughter go to prom....and not bawl when I see her in her first formal dress which is just  precursor to an eventual wedding dress. (I am startin to tear up now!)
8. Find a farmhouse...and be happy if I can't
9. Make sure my kids know how much they are loved...even when I am yelling my head off
10. Keep my house in order...or at least appearing to be so...when the mister walks in.
11. get the stupid crumbs outta my computer so it will type decently!
12. Grow closer to my Savior through more prayer, more pondering and more scripture reading.
13. Touch my husband more...yaya, with eight kiddos you would think there had been a lot of that....but nope, ask the hubs, he's deprived he says
14. Cook all of Julia Child's recipes in 365 days an blog about it.......jk, its already been done, and fairly well I might add.
15. Get dressed in the morning in something other then lounge wear....aka....workout clothes
16. Blog more consistently,like in the AM before anyone wakes up......
17. Enjoy more Italian Cream Sodas
18. Finish the 10 books I have either started writing (or have composed in my mind)...starting with "it's ok to hate your mother...but you will eventually have to get over it."
19. Don't eat store bought bread...it has boiled down remnant of human hair in it......um, yuck.

Maybe this list would be better.....parts of mine is starting to bring me down....

"This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again."
- Howard W. Hunter

If I can do that then all will be well with my world......or better.

I am still seeking my "farm" but I am also trying to be happy with what the Lord has given to my care and let my ideas of what should be go......not easy, but worth a shot....and maybe to share it as I blog.

Finding time to blog and keeping my house in functioning order is where I struggle.  I blog because it makes me laugh...at myself...and hopefully y'all laugh at it too, because crying gives me a headache and I do more then enough during the happy times. and to help me see all the good in my life when I start to think too much. But I want to know how yall do it?

How do y' all do it?How do you blog and keep your daughters hair done, let alone our own? How do you blog and manage get cleaning, laundry and ironing done? How do you blog and put  dinner on the table? How do you blog and keep the crumbs form getting under your keys? How do you do it all....and be happy?

Because as of this  moment...while I blog...none of the above is done...I did brush my teeth....but all my hard work for the last few days looks for naught. Tell me how you do it?!

But maybe I can get me a farm this way or maybe you can....one of us should get it!!! It's worth a try!

Or at least get a chance at  winning cute free stuff here.  Cutest girly girl headbands ever......and heaven knows we could use some help with all the girly girls hair around here!!  Nothing like winning free stuff to perk up your day...

and...

a dry hot cocoa mix that will melt your socks and make you feel all warm and cozy.....

I said I wanted to get healthier by eating more naturally and fit into my jeans....not give up chocolate! And by making hot cocoa mix, I can do that, there is no creamer made from soybean oil, or soy lecithin or preservatives......it's a start, along with a smaller mug!

Love your new years resolution makin guts!

Our Favorite Hot Cocoa

4 cups of sugar (or use powdered sugar)
1 cup cocoa
1/2 t natural sea salt
1 1/2 c dry milk
3 t vanilla powder

Mix all dry ingredients together and store in an airtight container. When ready mix 2 to 3 tablespoons in 8 oz of hot water. Top with real whip cream and heaven is almost right there!!! I love this hot cocoa...but my mister is still craving the ultra good ultra smooth ultra thick store brand mix.....it has hydrogenated oils in it...aka...creamer.....not good for you, so I will be trying to find a way to have that creamy goodness that my husband would probably pay money for.....I want to know! He wants to eat healthy...he just doesn't want to taste the difference! HA!

Not Even Close

I promise myself every year that I will have ALL the Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving and will do nothing but enjoy the Spirit of the season and bake and cook and sing and decorate and smile all the live long day.


Yep, you guessed it, not even close.  I have yet to get our neighbor treats done, or finished shopping...and this year dragging around two prize winning boxers/biters/hitters/spitters/tantrum throwers/screaming/ pinching each other cute as can be little bloomerbuttons and their sweetly mellow as can be baby sister that either brings looks of utter sympathy or astonishment at the stupidity of the woman braving ugly weather and not smart enough to get a babysitter for her three kids that are all younger then 2 and uses one long sentence to portray the exhaustion of just getting thru one store..... let alone Costco.......

are you tired just reading this?  Don't be...it really isn't that bad...I usually ignore the stares and the twins antics and I am gently rejuvenated by the sweet old ladies that stop to reminisce about their twins and babies and grand babies and how fast life goes by, so enjoy it while you are here kinda talk.....and a cookie...a cookie always does wonders!

But back to the Christmas Spirit.....I have it, though I haven't done all that I want or that is on the list in my head and the half created list on paper....the house isn't as clean as it should be or even half decorated (that's right folks, more then half my decorations have stayed in the boxes)... and dinners are whatever is in the fridge....and yet I continue to blog and have my idol time on the computer (and yes, you, if you feel guilty reading this one little word..."idol"....then thank you for coming on and reading my post.....it means a lot).

Christmas has never been my favorite holiday, and wait...don't get all in a huff because I said that....it is because I do honor the birth of Christ, but have such a hard time reconciling the materialism and commercial aspects of Christmas with the stillness of that holy night in my heart and sometimes the ache that it leaves.

There is a never a time that the spirit doesn't make me weepy at live nativity scenes and Christmas hymns and It"s a Wonderful Life" Christmas movies. I am grateful for the season that is dedicated to Christ and the thoughtfulness that prevails as wonderful people go out of their way to serve each other and strangers.  I am eternally grateful for the babe in the manger that saved the world and I can't help but grow weepy over His earthly parents sacrifice.  I can only imagine giving birth for your first time alone and in a manger to not just a baby but to the Savior and King.

The Christmas season has been for me a time of regret and sadness at a dysfunctional family growing up, of men, particularly brothers and mothers not reconciled and of past memories that feel and sometimes become unmanageable...and of another year closing on unfinished goals (because I probably wasted too much time fb'ing, blogging and perusing your posts!) .

...and because my husband likes to shop last minute and I mean down to the wire, store is closing for Christmas Eve and they have called for last check outs over the intercom twice and he is still meandering....because that is how his family did it....and he likes it..and it gives me heart palpitation for more reasons then one....bless his heart.

However, this year I was/am determined to make it better, that this SEASON should be one filled with peace and good cheer and love...and that those feelings of regret can wait until after the new year and group themselves with the goals new year's goals that I have already dropped by the wayside. That family traditions will prevail...even if it means the house cleaning lacks (sorry honey) because that is what my kids will remember, that I will have immense patience when one of the twinners drops bolts and screws from who knows where into the cookie dough....who was watching her?! (O yeah...that would be me...all the other mckiddos were win school) and that I will be forever grateful because I have more then enough and because this story reminds me of that:

In about March 1946, less than a year after the end of the war, Ezra Taft Benson, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, accompanied by Frederick W. Babbel, was assigned a special postwar tour of Europe for the express purpose of meeting with the Saints, assessing their needs, and providing assistance to them. Elder Benson and Brother Babbel later recounted, from a testimony they heard, the experience of a Church member who found herself in an area no longer controlled by the government under which she had resided.

She and her husband had lived an idyllic life in East Prussia. Then had come the second great world war within their lifetimes. Her beloved young husband was killed during the final days of the frightful battles in their homeland, leaving her alone to care for their four children.

The occupying forces determined that the Germans in East Prussia must go to Western Germany to seek a new home. The woman was German, and so it was necessary for her to go. The journey was over a thousand miles (1,600 km), and she had no way to accomplish it but on foot. She was allowed to take only such bare necessities as she could load into her small wooden-wheeled wagon. Besides her children and these meager possessions, she took with her a strong faith in God and in the gospel as revealed to the latter-day prophet Joseph Smith.

She and the children began the journey in late summer. Having neither food nor money among her few possessions, she was forced to gather a daily subsistence from the fields and forests along the way. She was constantly faced with dangers from panic-stricken refugees and plundering troops.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks to months, the temperatures dropped below freezing. Each day, she stumbled over the frozen ground, her smallest child—a baby—in her arms. Her three other children struggled along behind her, with the oldest—seven years old—pulling the tiny wooden wagon containing their belongings. Ragged and torn burlap was wrapped around their feet, providing the only protection for them, since their shoes had long since disintegrated. Their thin, tattered jackets covered their thin, tattered clothing, providing their only protection against the cold.

Soon the snows came, and the days and nights became a nightmare. In the evenings she and the children would try to find some kind of shelter—a barn or a shed—and would huddle together for warmth, with a few thin blankets from the wagon on top of them.

She constantly struggled to force from her mind overwhelming fears that they would perish before reaching their destination.

And then one morning the unthinkable happened. As she awakened, she felt a chill in her heart. The tiny form of her three-year-old daughter was cold and still, and she realized that death had claimed the child. Though overwhelmed with grief, she knew that she must take the other children and travel on. First, however, she used the only implement she had—a tablespoon—to dig a grave in the frozen ground for her tiny, precious child.

Death, however, was to be her companion again and again on the journey. Her seven-year-old son died, either from starvation or from freezing or both. Again her only shovel was the tablespoon, and again she dug hour after hour to lay his mortal remains gently into the earth. Next, her five-year-old son died, and again she used her tablespoon as a shovel.

Her despair was all consuming. She had only her tiny baby daughter left, and the poor thing was failing. Finally, as she was reaching the end of her journey, the baby died in her arms. The spoon was gone now, so hour after hour she dug a grave in the frozen earth with her bare fingers. Her grief became unbearable. How could she possibly be kneeling in the snow at the graveside of her last child? She had lost her husband and all her children. She had given up her earthly goods, her home, and even her homeland.

In this moment of overwhelming sorrow and complete bewilderment, she felt her heart would literally break. In despair she contemplated how she might end her own life, as so many of her fellow countrymen were doing. How easy it would be to jump off a nearby bridge, she thought, or to throw herself in front of an oncoming train.

And then, as these thoughts assailed her, something within her said, “Get down on your knees and pray.” She ignored the prompting until she could resist it no longer. She knelt and prayed more fervently than she had in her entire life:

“Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on. I have nothing left—except my faith in Thee. I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for Him. I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them. Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return—together—to Thee.”

When she finally reached her destination of Karlsruhe, Germany, she was emaciated. Brother Babbel said that her face was a purple-gray, her eyes red and swollen, her joints protruding. She was literally in the advanced stages of starvation. In a Church meeting shortly thereafter, she bore a glorious testimony, stating that of all the ailing people in her saddened land, she was one of the happiest because she knew that God lived, that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died and was resurrected so that we might live again. She testified that she knew if she continued faithful and true to the end, she would be reunited with those she had lost and would be saved in the celestial kingdom of God. 

After reading this story the first time of such faith and devotion I felt small and ungrateful, but the more I return to this story in President Monson's talk it becomes a Christmas story to me....it is of unyielding faith in Christ in the face of adversity, it is of  mother love far greater then any other the our Elder Brother's love for us.  This woman, gives me hope and the courage to move forward (even when I sarcastically joke about the life God has given me) and have he Christmas Spirit all year long.

This is what we, or rather I, have forgotten, that the learning is in the journey, the preparation for Christmas...not necessarily in the holiday. That the bad memories can be replaced with brighter ones of the family traditions that I have started with me and mine.  That although I am a slow learner, and often have to repeat things over so that they are ingrained upon my soul that Christ was born to carry those burdens for me.  That for my journey back to the farm is really that...a journey...not a destination.


Merry Christmas, one and all......may it be filled with loving family, happy memories and good cooking!

Molasses Pie as made by Mack's Great great grandmother from Ohio

1 Cup good Molasses
1 Cup sugar
1/4 cup hot water
1 T flour
small pat of butter
4 eggs well beaten
She wrote that this was enough for two pies, though we found that it left the pie rather thin. I baked at 350 for 30 minutes.  It is like a custard pie, that is even better with whipped cream.  I also connected a link to another recipe with more details about Molasses Pie. Enjoy!